1.) If you have an early meeting, or if the children need to be at school early for a field trip or other event, someone will be up at least twice during the night — which means you will be, too.
2.) The toddler will sneeze mightily in your face the day before he comes down with a ferocious cold.
3.) Your kids’ school or daycare will shut down due to Swine Flu the week after your kids have been out sick with a cold. (Corollary: Your kids will not have the H1N1/Swine Flu virus.)
4.) You will spill coffee (hot or cold, doesn’t matter) on yourself if, and only if, you wear a freshly pressed white blouse to the office.
5.) If you are the working mom of an infant, you will discover a cascade of dried spit-up on the back of your jacket, but only after you’ve worn it for at least two hours (or to at least one meeting).
6.) Any electronic device that’s absolutely necessary to your sanity will be a.) missing or b.) out of batteries when you most need it.
7.) If you carry a purse, you will always have some sort of kid-type food in it, which you will discover when you are looking for something, like your ID. What you will not have in it is whatever you were actually looking for, like your ID.
8.) You will slave over an amazing meal that the kids won’t touch, and you will throw together a last-minute “gotta get them fed” meal that they devour.
9.) If you are a nursing mother who is pumping at the office, your pump will be loud — teeth-grittingly, terribly loud — no matter which kind you buy or what you do to muffle it.
10.) You will go to work more than once with a sticky, kid-applied kiss on your cheek — and you deliberately won’t wash it off.
Do you have a law to add to the list? Leave it in the comments!
And for those with older children:
1. The less homework they say they have, the later you stay up fixing the computer, finding lined paper, making sure cellphones are off and that they actually get some sleep.
2. The more important the question, the more likely you will be asked in a car three minutes before arrival, requiring a suddenly blank mind to produce concise, objective answers worthy of producing desired behavior in a teenager.
3. All romantic notions formerly entertained when spotting cute couples holding hands turn on their heads the first time your child is seen handholding.
4. A hug from a teenager is even better than hearing a baby laugh. Really.
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