Thursday, September 5, 2013

On selfies and social media: Raising boys to respect girls doesn't mean forbidding them to be friends

Miley Cyrus’s VMA twerking exhibition has triggered a wave of helpful and not-so-helpful advice aimed at America’s teenage sons and daughters. Most of it has been levied at the girls, with messages that pretty much all boil down to “You don’t need to make a spectacle of yourself to get attention”; far fewer have reached out to boys to tell them “Please don’t treat women like that.”

So when this post from Givenbreath.com popped up in my Facebook feed multiple times, I clicked through. Titled “FYI: If You’re a Teenage Girl,” it’s written by Kim Hall, a mom of four (three boys, one girl) telling her son’s female friends that they really need to watch what they post on social media.

“If you are friends with a Hall boy on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, then you are friends with the whole Hall family,” she writes, after noting that her sons’ friends sure do seem to share a lot of photos of themselves in their bedrooms, posing in pajamas (or less) and obviously not wearing their bras.

She shares a few photos of her own, pictures of her strapping teenage boys and their sweet little sister, making muscles and posing in bathing suits on the beach. Which seems fine and wholesome until you keep reading: If she sees an inappropriate, half-naked picture of a girl among her son’s friends, she's sorry to have to say, that girl is getting blocked.

“I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage boys seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t ever un-see it? You don’t want the Hall boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?” she writes. “Neither do we. And so, in our house, there are no second chances, ladies. If you want to stay friendly with the Hall men, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent. If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – you’ll be booted off our on-line island.”

“I know that sounds harsh and old-school, but that’s just the way it is under this roof for a while,” she continues. “We hope to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls.”

Hypocrisy aside – featuring half-naked pictures of your sons in a post in which you tell their female friends to cover up? -- it's interesting that she holds the girls responsible for posting the unacceptable pictures, but isn't holding the boys responsible for looking at them. It's like saying that girls shouldn't wear miniskirts while giving boys a pass for ogling at them -- the old "boys will be boys" excuse that blames women when men behave badly.