Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Larger Families: My Legacy

It's been a while since I posted over at Larger Families, and I've been missing it! Today, I answered the question: "Pick three words that describe the type of mother you want to be remembered as (nurturing, loving, hard-working, encouraging, good at all things domestic, etc.) and why. Are you currently living up to your ideal description?" Here's my response...

The three things I most want my children to remember me as aren’t single words, but phrases and ideas...

Dorothy Canfield Fisher once said: “A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.” I’d like for my children to remember me as a pillar of strength who taught them how to be strong men and women who make and stand by their good choices, self starters who can figure out how to navigate through life.

In her autobiography, Dust Tracks on a Road, Zora Neal Hurston wrote: “Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to 'jump at de sun.' We might not land on the sun, but at least we would get off the ground.” When my kids are adults, I want them to remember me as optimistic and confident -- as someone who “jumped at the sun” and encouraged them to do the same at every opportunity.

One of my all-time favorite books as a child was Cheaper By the Dozen, the autobiographical story of the Gilbreth family, written by two of the family’s 12 kids. It wasn’t until I was much older that I could really appreciate the dedication: "To Father, who had only twelve children, and to Mother, who had twelve only children.” I’d like my children to remember me as a mother who treated each one of them as if they were the most important -- all at the same time. I don’t know that there’s one adjective to describe that (maybe one of my kids will make one up) but, whatever that word is, if they use it to describe me, I will be a very happy mom!

Read more of my Larger Families blog here, and take a moment to find out how other moms of many answered the question!

Assertive + Competent = Bitch?

A long time ago, my grandmother -- one of the first women to hold a seat in the upper house of India's Parliament -- told me that I’d have to choose: I could either be sweet and well-liked (and make do with whatever the world decided to hand to me) or I could be aggressive, go after what I want, and be considered a bitch.

I didn’t believe her.

But she was right.


I had a pretty stark reminder of this at work some time ago. We were down a person, and the projects were piling up. One that was in pretty bad shape landed on my desk, and I threw myself into it 110 percent.

I brought it home with me and stayed up late wrestling with it. I devoted all of my energy to it at the office. I turned ideas and thoughts about it over and over in my head as I worked on other things. I fact-checked, I researched, I patched loopholes.

When it was done, I thought it was pretty good. Much better than it had been before, at any rate.
But… when I turned it in, I got an earfull. Apparently, in being aggressive with the project, I had “attacked” it and been “too strident.” It seemed as if I “had an agenda” and wasn’t “impartial enough.” I shouldn’t have made the decisions that I did, even though they were clearly the right ones, because those decisions should have been made by someone higher up.

I really couldn’t win this one. If I had slacked and done just the bare minimum, the project would have been OK, but nothing great, and I probably would have been taken to task for not working hard enough. But taking the initiative to do more than what was required of me made me “strident” and “arrogant.” In other words, a bitch.

My hard work had worked against me.

What’s stupid of me is that I should have seen it coming; this has happened to me many times before. If I’m confident, I’m seen as arrogant. If I’m correct about something and don’t back down, I’m officious and I don’t know when to stop. If I’m aggressive, I’m a bitch.

Years ago, I’d feel horrible about it. Sorry, even. But you know what? I don’t, anymore.

On Saturday Night Live, in a repeat from the end of the writer’s strike, Tina Fey told the “Weekend Update” audience: “Bitch is the new black.” (Click on the link for transcript and video.) She was talking about the public perception of Hillary Clinton, but, really, what she said applies to any strong woman out there. “You know what?” she said. “Bitches get stuff done.”

The project got done, and got done well. If that makes me a bitch, well… maybe I can live with that.

So, is being a bitch a bad thing? I asked my readers over at The 36-Hour Day, and the discussion was an eye-opener.

Some commenters wondered if the issue was geographical; others found that they were labeled "too timid" by the same people who also called them "too aggressive"; one commenter pointed out that the B word is a great acronym (Babe in Total Control of Herself). What do you think? Can you be confident and aggressive, and not be considered a threat -- or worse?

An Interview with Karin Abarbanel

As the Managing Editor of Work It, Mom! I edit a lot of articles, solicit new writers, and help administer the site. Creating content is another big part of the job, and each month I interview an inspirational working mother under the guise of "The Work It, Mom! Team." Earlier in March, I chatted with Karin Abarbanel, a marketing expert and author of several how-to guides for women.

She runs her own one-woman marketing communications firm, Abarbanel Communications, but her true love is writing. "I’ve always loved writing and this has always been center stage in my work life," she says. Her newest book is Birthing the Elephant, and she describes it as the What to Expect When You're Expecting of small-business books.

Other guides focus on the three Ms: Money, Marketing, and Management. But
there’s a fourth M -- Motivation – that’s largely been ignored, yet it’s at the
heart of small-business survival. ... [More]

Read the rest at Work It, Mom!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Define "Working Mom." Yes, That's Right. So Is That. That, Too

There's been a great deal of controversey over Leslie Bennetts and her new book, The Feminine Mistake. Some of it has to do with the title -- many women feel that it implies that their choice to opt out of the workforce is seen as "wrong." Some of it has to do with the book itself -- while Bennetts makes a strong and fascinating argument for working outside of the home even while one's children are small, she doesn't really address who is supposed to take care of the kids (or how women in lower income brackets are supposed to afford childcare).

Even at a website like Work It, Mom!, she wasn't exactly preaching to the choir. The whole debate made me think of my own "Working Mom" status, and how I thought it changed while I was on maternity leave -- even though I was still technically "working":

When I was on maternity leave with my now-preschooler, and again with my now-toddler, I was still writing freelance stories. The number of stories I wrote was no where near what it was when I wasn't on leave (nor near what I thought it should be, but we've already discussed the unrealistic expectations I had for my first maternity leave), but still, I was churning them out as best as I could.

I remember being frustrated by the difficulty of trying to write with an infant who refused to nap and a toddler who wanted to play and no childcare in sight. I remember wishing that our older kids could help me more as I ran downstairs to referee some argument or another, a half-written article up on the screen in my home office, my train of thought long gone by the time I had calmed the chaos enough to return to the computer. I remember fuming that my husband could go to the office to work, but I had to schedule and wrangle time to complete an assignment on deadline from home.

I remember thinking that I wasn't working because, well, I wasn't at work. I wasn't commuting anywhere on a daily basis. I had no meetings to attend. I didn't even fit into my work clothes. I was drawing a paycheck because I had cobbled together my vacation time and my sick time, not because I was at the office. So, while on leave, even though I was a mom and I was working, I didn't think of myself as a "working mom."

I couldn't have been more wrong.

A great resource for parents with older kids


Sites like these are few and far between: A parenting website that's not geared toward new moms, baby troubles, or the Terrible Twos! It's called Mid-Century Modern Moms, and the 10 bloggers who contribute to it focus on the joys and trial of parenting teens and young adults: driver's licenses, college admissions, empty nests and hormones (yours AND your child's!).

But what do they mean by mid-century? Writer Ilona Peltz says, "See, it's not THIS century we're writing about: it's our own personal half-centuries. Because the mothers who are writing for this blog are all within spitting distance of fifty, from one side or other."

The contributors have plenty of experience to draw from; you can read their bios here. And then bookmark the site -- even if you're kids (and you!) are on the youngish side, you'll be needing their insight just a few years from now. I'm not near my own mid-century yet, but I know I'll be back at MCMMs often for the posts on parenting teenagers.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

There's Still Time to Clean up with Mint.com's Contest

Mint.com is a money management mecca for busy people. The site has everything you can use -- from charts to advice to programs that track and categorize your spending and balance your checkbook -- and it's all free. What's better than that?


How about a chance to pay off those holiday credit card bills?



There are still a few days to enter Mint.com's contest. Send them your holiday spending horror story or video, and on April 1 they'll pick up the tab for one lucky winner in each category.

And keep an eye out over at Mint.edu, their advice- and information-filled blog, for a guest post by yours truly -- coming soon!

Snack Time Goes South Indian

Even though I grew up in my mother's Indian restaurant and really, really should have known better, it wasn't until I was researching this little story for The Boston Globe's Food section that I realised that I've spent my entire life calling this popular Indian snack by the wrong name. What I've always thought of as sev is really called Chivra (or Bhel mix) -- sev, it seems, is just one (very delicious) component.

There are some good commercial brands out there, but homemade always tastes best. If you're in a hurry, buy a bag of the pre-made snack and doctor it up at home.


March 12, 2008

South Indian Snacking

By Lylah M. Alphonse
Globe Staff

Chivra is a popular Indian snack that hits sweet, salty, savory, and spicy tastes in each bite. It's easy to make yourself. Combine 1 cup of sev (crispy, fried chickpea-flour vermicelli), 1 cup of puffed rice, and 1/2 cup corn flakes or fried potato sticks. Toss gently. In a large skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil and fry 1/4 teaspoon of yellow mustard seeds until they pop. Add the cereal mixture, 1/2 cup roasted cashews, 1/2 cup golden raisins, 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper, 1/2 teaspoon garam masala, and 1/4 teaspoon each black pepper, salt, and mango powder (also called amchoor; if you can't find it, substitute lime juice). Stir gently until hot, let cool, and then start snacking. Or easier yet, buy it - sometimes under the name bhel mix - at Indian grocery stores ($3.99 for about 14 ounces). Available at Kashmir Foods, 234 Harvard St., Brookline, 617-734-7153; and Kolava Market, 288 Littleton Road, Westford, 978-392-8558. [More]

Globetrotting: Valentine's Day in Japan

One of my newest blogging ventures is with The Boston Globe's great travel blog, Globetrotting. This week, a short post on the Morikami Museum and Japanese Gardens, which holds fascinating cultural events in Delray Beach, Florida:



A couple weeks ago, the Morikami Museum and Japanese Gardens in Delray Beach, Fla., hosted a festival in honor of Japanese art and culture, complete with martial arts demonstrations, drumming performances, Japanese food, and a host of vendors selling everything from Kimono-inspired clothing to gorgeous bonzai. On Friday, March 14, the museum will be celebrating Howaitodai, or White Day, the Japanese counterpart to Valentine's Day in the West. Tickets are $25 ($10 for members) and include cocktails, appetizers, and a show by a theatrical Taiko drum group. Not in the mood for romance? On March 20 the museum hosts a night of violin and piano music with world-reknown musicians Shunsuke Sato and Tao Lin playing music by 19th-century Belgian composers; the $50 admission includes a champagne reception after the concert. For more information, log on to morikami.org or call the museum at 561-495-0233. [More]


Our entire family loved the Japanese Festival we attended there -- now, my 3-year-old wants to take martial arts, and the baby drums on any horizontal surface he can find. Keep an eye on Globetrotting... I'll be posting more there, soon!

How Much Would You Pay for Paid Maternity Leave?

Last week, the New Jersey State Senate approved legislation that would grant employees paid maternity or dependent-care leave, making New Jersey one of only three states in the US to pay workers who need time off to care for a new child or a sick relative.

Kudos to New Jersey, but it's still a far cry from the norm in the rest of the industrialized world.

Did you know that the United States and Australia are the only two industrialized countries in the world that do not offer paid leave to new mothers? And moms in the Outback have a sweeter deal than we do; in Australia, your job is protected for a year, but in the United States new working moms only get that guarantee for 12 weeks. In fact, according to a 2005 article by the Associated Press, "...out of 168 nations in a Harvard University study last year, 163 had some form of paid maternity leave, leaving the United States in the company of Lesotho, Papua New Guinea and Swaziland."

Yes, you read that correctly.

But there is hope, at least in New Jersey. According to the New York Times article, "Those taking the leave would be eligible for two-thirds of their salary, up to a maximum of $524 a week, for six weeks." That's less than the $917 per week California offers, but is more than twice what Washington State allows. Similar legislation has stalled out in New York, but the New York bill only offered $170 a week, so even if it had passed it might not have been much of a help to workers in urban areas. (Come on... realistically speaking, $170 might make a difference in, say, Cayuga County, but it's a drop in the bucket if you live in The Bronx.)

The New Jersey bill still has to pass the state assembly, but it is expected to later this week, and Governor Jon S. Corzine has said he will sign it into law.

Kind of makes me wish I had moved back to my home state before I had my kids. Or, maybe, to Finland. Or France.

The United States' Family and Medical Leave Act, or FMLA, only requires companies with 50 or more people to grant "elegible employees" 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for their newborns during a 12-month period -- and if the employee has complications during her pregnancy that require her to miss work, that time off can count as part of the 12-week leave.

Let's compare that to the standards in other countries, shall we?

Canada: New moms get up to 17 weeks of pregnancy leave at 55-percent pay; new moms and dads can split up to 35 weeks of paid parental leave.

France: New moms are entitled to a fully paid, job-protected, mandatory maternity leave starting six weeks before the baby's birth and extending to 10 weeks after, plus an additional paid leave for either the mom or the dad until the child's third birthday, if needed. Not your first baby? The amount of leave to which you're entitled increases with the birth of each child.

Germany: Fourteen weeks of job-protected maternity leave at 100-percent pay.

Finland: New moms are entitled to 18 weeks of maternity leave at 70-percent pay, with an additional 26-week parental leave available to either parent, also at 70-percent pay.

Japan: Six to 10 weeks of prenatal leave, plus eight weeks of post-natal leave, all at 60-percent pay.

Why are we so far behind the curve in this? There are several interesting theories. Some say that American feminism has focused on equal rights, not on maternity rights; others point out that, post World War II, other countries put into place incentives to encourage population growth that the US didn't want or need; still others assume that American companies simply aren't willing to foot the bill, especially not the way our economy looks right now.

The New Jersey bill is being paid for by other employees, not by the companies. According to the New York Times article, the measure would be financed by employee payroll deductions that would cost every worker in New Jersey a maximum of 64 cents a week, or $33 a year.

If you go to Starbucks and buy a latte once a week, you spend about $160 a year. Isn't paid maternity leave worth $33 to people in the other 47 states?

Assuming you didn't live in California or Washington, how did you manage your maternity leave?

Monday, March 3, 2008

Need More Sleep? Join the Club

March 3-9 is National Sleep Awareness Week, and I'd like to celebrate by getting the recommended nine hours of sleep per night, but I'll probably mark the event by staying up late writing and drinking too much coffee instead. According to a recent study, plenty of adults are in the same boat as I am:

My kids are tucked in bed, snoring softly. My husband went to bed a couple hours ago. Even the dog is asleep. And here I am, typing...

Last week the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned that adults in the United States aren't getting enough sleep. And that not getting enough sleep can lead to a host of medical issues, including depression, cardiovascular problems, and high blood pressure. In fact, the percentage of adults reporting that they get six hours of sleep or less per night has grown over the last 20 years. (The National Sleep Foundation suggests that adults get seven to nine hours of sleep per night.)

Now, the fact that we're not getting enough sleep is certainly not news to anyone juggling work and parenthood. This week (March 3-9) is National Sleep Awareness Week but, while I do feel obligated to do my part and go to bed, I feel more obligated to get my work done and pay my bills.

Traveling with Small Kids: Let the Insanity Begin!

We took a trip to Florida recently, and it gave me a chance to check out a bunch of gear and gadgets and kid-friendly advice I've been meaning to test. It also gave me a chance to fall in love with some of the things we use most often. And to make a few more mistakes to write about over at The 36-Hour Day:

There are plenty of things you can do, not to mention things you can bring, to make traveling with very young children go more smoothly. Some of those things work — in theory. In practice, though? Well…

In theory: Taking an 8:10 p.m. flight — right at bedtime — would mean that my adorable 3-year-old and my angelic 15-month old would sleep on board, and we’d tuck their sweetly slumbering selves into their beds at my in-law’s home on the other end of the trip.

In practice: Not so much. ...[More]

Read the rest here, browse through the blog's archives, share your thoughts in the comments (you don't need to be a member to do so), and check out the rest of Work It, Mom!